Written by: Matt Shock (@shockwave_music)
Edited by: Curt Ashcraft (@cashcraft740)
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Disclaimer – The events contained in the following posts may or may not have actually happened. The names of individuals and institutions may or may not have been changed to protect the identities of those involved. What I mean by this is that every word is true, and that the people and institutions in question are absolutely real. I’m not protecting anybody.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Before I proceed with explaining the events in question surrounding this headline, I must first clarify things by saying that the particular contest mentioned in this post is in no way related to the contest from Seinfeld. This is a different contest entirely.
Anyhow, as you may have already guessed, I developed a strong dislike for our coach over the course of the season. Not only did he consistently make me ride the pine (which as I already have pointed out was a perfectly reasonable thing to do on his part) but he also tried to stifle my competitive spirit.
Now at this point, you may be wondering what sort of a competitive spirit a third-rate benchwarmer on a fifth-rate college baseball team might have in the first place…but clearly you’ve never seen my physique.
If you’ve ever met me, you understand that I could have absolutely humiliated my teammates in one competitive area. And so it was, that as coach Hack cut short our ice cream eating contest at the Lancaster Max and Erma’s, it became abundantly clear that he hated me as much as I hated him and that he was obviously trying to keep me down.
You see, I can seriously put away some ice cream. In fact, to watch me eat ice cream would probably frighten most small children. I clearly had an edge on every other guy at the table and I was certain that I was destined to become a god in their eyes.
At any rate, when we were four bowls deep and half the team had dropped out, coach called the game. I was slightly livid, and was even tempted to tell him to “waddle his fat ass” back over to his seat so I could finish this sucker, but as I was still trying to stay in his good graces for playing time, I promptly “waddled my fat ass” back to the van.
Also, a friendly reminder to join us on July 5th for the 2014 ‘Our Sports Report’ Wiffle Ball Summer Classic in lovely Fredericktown, Ohio. For more information on playing in or sponsoring the tournament, PLEASE CLICK HERE! Hope to see you on July 5th!